a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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