Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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