One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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