turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
