I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
