Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
