U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
