im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
