Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
