I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
