Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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