i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize