im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
