if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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