she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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