she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my shit smells like andre
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
