I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
