census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
