if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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