okay pat passed out under dana's car
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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