Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
