yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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