I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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