3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
