I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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