I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
