I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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