Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
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