haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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