connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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