I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
