I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
