When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Randomize