She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
