I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
