I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
