I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
