someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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