I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
