Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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