Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize