Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
