If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
