I wish I only lived at night.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
