remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
