my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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