I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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