I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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