im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
