i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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