i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
