that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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