Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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