Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
