Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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