the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
