I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
