NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Randomize
