Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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