People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
