Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
