uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
