apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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