It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
