dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
