Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
